Are you 18 years old or older?
Sorry, the content of this store can't be seen by a younger audience. Come back when you're older.
You're guaranteed to have a blast
Have fun blowing shit up with this 3 megaton Soviet-era nuclear missile.
With a 5,000-mile range, you can destroy a city, small country, or your in-laws' entire world from the comfort of your own home. Or just blackmail governments for cash, cheese or hard-to-find bike parts.
• Intercontinental ballistic delivery system included.
• Dishwasher safe, allergy-free, environmentally tested.
• Honeytrap experience at KGB Strippers included with every purchase.
• See the blast radius and casualty estimates with this neat simulator (just enter 3000 in the kiloton yield).
Semyorka means "quality" in Russian
In the chaos that ensued the breakup of the USSR, a few of these puppies fell out the back of a truck and into our lap. Good times.
They come with a 2-day warranty, but you can also purchase a 15-year service plan (you're welcome).
We stand behind the quality of all our products. If it doesn't detonate then return it with proof of purchase. We'll replace it with the same warhead or another one of equal megatonage*.
*Supplies are limited--we reserve the right to replace your missile with a bag of sweet, juicy dog poo (Target bag included).
We'll spell it out for ya...no Virginia we're not actually selling a nuclear missile and this is a fucking joke.
If you're a dumbass, rich and/or generous enough to buy this then you're responsible for any transactional and other incidental costs associated with giving you your money back.
The other option is that you let us donate some or all of these monies to three charities we support:
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