Biker Dope™ Gear & Apparel

OUTLAW SWAGGER

These are the only fur biker vests in the world.

Armored. Reversible. Rugged AF. And not just for bikers.

Handmade by our artisans and modelled after the "barbarian" fur vests rocked by outlaw bikers of the 60s and 70s, they're worn over t-shirts, pirate shirts, blue jean jackets, leather jackets or nothin' at all.

• REVERSIBLE—turn inside out to rock the leather or fur side (zips both ways)

• PROTECTIVE LEATHER INNER LINING with an embossed logo option for your MC or other image (or choose the cloth inner lining option with your image choice)

• HIDDEN WATERPROOF BACKPACK large enough to fit your gear, including a full face helmet

• SPECIALIZED POCKETS up the ass, including for your phone, sunglasses, wallet, smokes, stash and business cards

• SURPRISES—like a credit card knife in a dedicated pocket and a cleaning cloth attached to a sunglass pocket

• HIGHLY CUSTOMIZABLE—choose leather type and color, fur type, cloth inner (with your choice of graphic) instead of leather, embossed logo, and gender cut.

• BACK ARMOR—CE-approved, removable

• BIKER STRONG—quality leather & materials, heavy duty stitching, industrial-strength zipper, realistic & durable faux fur . . . yeah you're giving this to your grandkids.

• HANDMADE by our artisans for our innovative American biker brand, assembled in the USA

WOLF-INSPIRED

You can rock this bad boy over a tee (or shirtless) during warmer months (vest = natural AC).

For colder rides, that extra fur layer over your jacket will make all the difference.

It's the same reason a wolf's shaggy coat helps insulate it from the arctic cold. The fur traps heated air and protects from wind and rain. The leather inner lining gives you yet another layer of insulation + protects against road rash.

 
The Outlaw (worn over our Cafe Racer and Rockstar Riding Pants).

You'll be getting allot of attention—please let 'em know you're rockin' Biker Dope.

 JUST

1. SELECT YOUR U.S. SIZE

2. ENTER YOUR HEIGHT & WEIGHT
in the ORDER NOTE section during checkout, and

3. ORDER

by

Enter leather color -- we can make your vest in practically any standard leather color, distressed or not

Enter leather type -- "lambskin" OR "cowhide" (if you don't want our standard buffalo skin)

Enter "embossed" -- if you want a 14" club or other logo embossed on the leather (+$200 for the mold, then +$30 for each vest it's applied to)

You have the option to choose an easy-to-care-for polyester inner lining instead of leather.

Enter "cloth inner lining"
in the ORDER NOTE section, and:

a. Do nothing else--if you don't choose an image you'll get our badass Biker Dope logo; or

b. Enter an image number from the free stock inner lining images below; or

c. Email us your custom image*
(+ $50 for our artist to create a vector graphic), or

d. We can use a pic we already have of your mama naked. 

*You certify that you possess the legal right for us to use the image you send us. You also certify that you are in no way connected to the shadowy organization "I".
 

Why choose cloth instead of leather?

• You wanna rock a logo or graphic when you reverse it (like this celebrated Brooklyn event producer)

• You're an international DJ or hip hop artist who sweats up a storm on stage

• Your parole precludes you from riding more than eleven miles from the Equator, or

• You enjoy the quaint charm of road rash.


Our default choice for The Outlaw is Brown Long-Haired.

ENTER a fur type** in the ORDER NOTE section if you want something else:

**There may be variations of color and fur type, but you'll still look dope AF. 

ENTER "Fem Cut" in the ORDER NOTE section during checkout if you want the retro-fashion Fem Cut, like this acclaimed NY performer.

411: most female customers prefer the default Male cut. If you want that retro hourglass look, ENTER Fem Cut.

ENTER "Custom Sizing" in the ORDER NOTE section during checkout with your height, weight and at least your waist and chest measurements (indicate inches or cm).

For your best fit, ENTER as many of these measurements as you can:

OUR BARBARIAN LINE
FUR BIKER VEST COLLECTION

ABOUT OUR FUR

We only sell faux fur. Synthetic fur is just as warm, less expensive, requires less care and lasts longer than dead animal fur. Plus we've been blackmailed with exposing your mama naked if we used real fur.

WILD SWAGGER

These are the only fur biker vests in the world.

Armored. Reversible. Rugged AF. And not just for bikers.

Handmade by our artisans and modelled after the "barbarian" fur vests rocked by outlaw bikers of the 60s and 70s, they're worn over t-shirts, pirate shirts, blue jean jackets, leather jackets or nothin' at all.

• REVERSIBLE—turn inside out to rock the leather or fur side (zips both ways)

• PROTECTIVE LEATHER INNER LINING with an embossed logo option for your MC or other image (or choose the cloth inner lining option with your image choice)

• HIDDEN WATERPROOF BACKPACK large enough to fit your gear, including a full face helmet

• SPECIALIZED POCKETS up the ass, including for your phone, sunglasses, wallet, smokes, stash and business cards

• SURPRISES—like a credit card knife in a dedicated pocket and a cleaning cloth attached to a sunglass pocket

• HIGHLY CUSTOMIZABLE—choose leather type and color, fur type, cloth inner (with your choice of graphic) instead of leather, embossed logo, and gender cut.

• BACK ARMOR—CE-approved, removable

• BIKER STRONG—quality leather & materials, heavy duty stitching, industrial-strength zipper, realistic & durable faux fur . . . yeah you're giving this to your grandkids.

• HANDMADE by our artisans for our innovative American biker brand, assembled in the USA

WOLF-INSPIRED

You can rock this bad boy over a tee (or shirtless) during warmer months (vest = natural AC).

For colder rides, that extra fur layer over your jacket will make all the difference.

It's the same reason a wolf's shaggy coat helps insulate it from the arctic cold. The fur traps heated air and protects from wind and rain. The leather inner lining gives you yet another layer of insulation + protects against road rash.

Fun fact: The Wilding was inspired by a fur vest worn by a biker acting in Scooter Trash (above), an early 80's porn flick that's now has a cult following. It was written and acted in by 1%er club members from N. Jersey + female actresses from motorcycle pinup mags of the time.

You'll be getting allot of attention—please let 'em know you're rockin' Biker Dope.

 JUST

1. SELECT YOUR U.S. SIZE

2. ENTER YOUR HEIGHT & WEIGHT
in the ORDER NOTE section during checkout, and

3. ORDER

by

Enter leather color -- we can make your vest in practically any standard leather color, distressed or not

Enter leather type -- "lambskin" OR "cowhide" (if you don't want our standard buffalo skin)

Enter "embossed" -- if you want a 14" club or other logo embossed on the leather (+$200 for the mold, then +$30 for each vest it's applied to)

You have the option to choose an easy-to-care-for polyester inner lining instead of leather.

Enter "cloth inner lining"
in the ORDER NOTE section, and:

a. Do nothing else--if you don't choose an image you'll get our badass Biker Dope logo; or

b. Enter an image number from the free stock inner lining images below; or

c. Email us your custom image*
(+ $50 for our artist to create a vector graphic), or

d. We can use a pic we already have of your mama naked.  

*You certify that you possess the legal right for us to use the image you send us. You also certify that you are in no way connected to the shadowy organization "I".

Why choose cloth instead of leather?

• You wanna rock a logo or graphic when you reverse it (like this celebrated Brooklyn event producer)

• You're an international DJ or hip hop artist who sweats up a storm on stage

• Your parole precludes you from riding more than eleven miles from the Equator, or

• You enjoy the quaint charm of road rash

Our default choice for The Wilding is Gray-Black (we think White looks dope too).

ENTER a fur type** in the ORDER NOTE section if you want something else:

ENTER "Fem Cut" in the ORDER NOTE section during checkout if you want the retro-fashion Fem Cut, like this acclaimed NY performer.

411: most female customers prefer the default Male cut. If you want that retro hourglass look, ENTER Fem Cut.

ENTER "Custom Sizing" in the ORDER NOTE section during checkout with your height, weight and at least your waist and chest measurements (indicate inches or cm).

For your best fit, ENTER as many of these measurements as you can:

 

 

Contact Biker Dope for wholesale pricing and customizations for your club, camp, spy cell, or bingo group.

 

 

 

  

 

FREE SHIPPIN'
no youre not trippin***

OUR BARBARIAN
FUR BIKER VEST COLLECTION

ABOUT OUR FUR

We only sell faux fur. Synthetic fur is just as warm, less expensive, requires less care and lasts longer than dead animal fur. Plus we've been blackmailed with exposing your mama naked if we used real fur.

SAVAGE SWAGGER

These are the only fur biker vests in the world.

Armored. Reversible. Rugged AF. And not just for bikers.

Handmade by our artisans and modelled after the "barbarian" fur vests rocked by outlaw bikers of the 60s and 70s, they're worn over t-shirts, pirate shirts, blue jean jackets, leather jackets or nothin' at all.

• REVERSIBLE—turn inside out to rock the leather or fur side (zips both ways)

• PROTECTIVE LEATHER INNER LINING with an embossed logo option for your MC or other image (or choose the cloth inner lining option with your image choice)

• HIDDEN WATERPROOF BACKPACK large enough to fit your gear, including a full face helmet

• SPECIALIZED POCKETS up the ass, including for your phone, sunglasses, wallet, smokes, stash and business cards

• SURPRISES—like a credit card knife in a dedicated pocket and a cleaning cloth attached to a sunglass pocket

• HIGHLY CUSTOMIZABLE—choose leather type and color, fur type, cloth inner (with your choice of graphic) instead of leather, embossed logo, and gender cut.

• BACK ARMOR—CE-approved, removable

• BIKER STRONG—quality leather & materials, heavy duty stitching, industrial-strength zipper, realistic & durable faux fur . . . yeah you're giving this to your grandkids.

• HANDMADE by our artisans for our innovative American biker brand, assembled in the USA

WOLF-INSPIRED

You can rock this bad boy over a tee (or shirtless) during warmer months (vest = natural AC).

For colder rides, that extra fur layer over your jacket will make all the difference.

It's the same reason a wolf's shaggy coat helps insulate it from the arctic cold. The fur traps heated air and protects from wind and rain. The leather inner lining gives you yet another layer of insulation + protects against road rash.

The Savage (worn with our Rockstar Riding Pants).

You'll be getting allot of attention—please let 'em know you're rockin' Biker Dope.

 JUST

1. SELECT YOUR U.S. SIZE

2. ENTER YOUR HEIGHT & WEIGHT
in the ORDER NOTE section during checkout, and

3. ORDER

by

Enter leather color -- we can make your vest in practically any standard leather color, distressed or not

Enter leather type -- "lambskin" OR "cowhide" (if you don't want our standard buffalo skin)

Enter "embossed" -- if you want a 14" club or other logo embossed on the leather (+$200 for the mold, then +$30 for each vest it's applied to)


You have the option to choose an easy-to-care-for polyester inner lining instead of leather.

Enter "cloth inner lining"
in the ORDER NOTE section, and:

a. Nothing else--if you don't choose an image you'll get our badass Biker Dope logo; or

b. Enter an image number from the free stock inner lining images below; or

c. Email us your custom image*, or
(+ $50 for our artist to create a vector graphic)

d. We can use a pic we already have of your mama naked. 

Why choose cloth instead of leather?

• You wanna rock a logo or graphic when you reverse it (like this celebrated Brooklyn event producer)

• You're an international DJ or hip hop artist who sweats up a storm on stage

• Your parole precludes you from riding more than eleven miles from the Equator, or

• You enjoy the quaint charm of road rash.

Our default choice for The Savage is Gray-Black, Short-Haired.

**There may be variations of color and fur type, but you'll still look dope AF.

ENTER "Fem Cut" in the ORDER NOTE section during checkout if you want the retro-fashion Fem Cut, like this acclaimed NY performer.

411: most female customers prefer the default Male cut. If you want that retro hourglass look, ENTER Fem Cut.

ENTER "Custom Sizing" in the ORDER NOTE section during checkout with your height, weight and at least your waist and chest measurements (indicate inches or cm).

For your best fit, ENTER as many of these measurements as you can:

OUR BARBARIAN
FUR BIKER VEST COLLECTION

ABOUT OUR FUR

We only sell faux fur. Synthetic fur is just as warm, less expensive, requires less care and lasts longer than dead animal fur. Plus we've been blackmailed by 1%er animal rights commandos with exposing your mama naked if we didn't comply.

ROCK IT!

These unisex leather pants are based on the classic design worn by outlaw bikers from the 60s and 70s. Biker Dope's laced, genuine buffalo leather riding pants not only look dope AF but'll keep you warm and protect you from road rash.

These are the only classic laced riding pants that come with an option for CE armor. One of the other things we love about these pants is that you can loosen the lacing at the waist and legs to make room for other layers during cold-weather riding.

Plus all our Dope comes with an emergency credit card knife and other surprises.

Do we get tons of compliments when we're rockin' these? You'll find out [cue evil laughter] ... all we ask is that you let people know you're rockin' our Dope <3

Want another color leather?

Want lamb or cowhide instead of buffalo leather?

Want your club's logo or another image embossed on the ass? (+$200 for the mold, then +$30 for each pair of pants it's applied to)

ENTER these options (or other special instructions) in the ORDER NOTE section during checkout.

Standard waist sizing varies across regions. In the US and UK, vanity sizing means your waist's actual measurement is usually between 2 to 4 inches larger than the size indicated on most brands.

We highly recommend that you measure your actual measured waist and inseam lengths.

ENTER this info in the ORDER NOTE section during checkout (please ENTER "actual measurements" along with the numbers).

At the very least. enter your height, weight and standard pants size (waist and inseam) for your region—which we assume is your shipping address.

For a female cut: ENTER "Female Cut" in the ORDER NOTE section.

You heard right. Only 50 bucks more for a custom fit.

ENTER "Custom Sizing" in the ORDER NOTE section during checkout with these measurements per the below diagram (waist, inseam, hips & rise).

WARNING: Use responsibly. These pants come with Swag Magic™. Ordering a custom pair will Turbocharge The Fuck™ outta your Swag Effect™. 

OUR BARBARIAN
FUR BIKER VEST COLLECTION

Ride it like the cowboy that you are

What makes Western Rider different from any other fringe suede jacket on the market? It's made for bikers, so it comes standard with a front zipper (because buttons are powerless against the wind's fury) plus it has a CE armor option for elbow and shoulder protection.

But this shouldn't be your first choice for a riding jacket. The leather is thinner than our other, track-ready jackets. Plus the fringes can get caught in stuff and be a pain in the ass.

But you'll look like a rockstar. Which'll make you feel like one. Just be ready to field a ton a "where'd you get that cool jacket" questions.

All Biker Dope™ jackets have a hidden pocket with an emergency credit card knife.

• Genuine suede
CE Approved armor in all the right places.
• Water resistant, plus fringes wick away water
• Your choice:
     - 20 colors of suede (which may get you 50 shades of grey)
     - jagged edged bottom (or make a custom request for a straight edge).

OPTIONS + A PERFECT FIT

Please leave us a note during checkout with your measurements for a perfect fit (see chart below).

If your color isn't shown as an ordering option, refer to our suede color chart and leave us a note with your preferred color during checkout. Our model here is rocking Taupe.

Note the unique jagged edge design of the jacket's bottom. If you prefer the bottom to be cut in a conventional, straight design, let us know about that during checkout too.

Or just email us with any info and include your order number and name.

LEVEL OF PROTECTION

This stylish jacket is made of supple suede. Are you trading in protection for lightness, comfort and style? Yes you are.

While the CE-approved armor will go a long way towards protecting you, suede does not offer as much abrasion resistance as buffalo leather (which our other riding jackets are made from). 

If you're looking for thick leather with track-level protection (ahem, squids), then you'll want to check out Biker Dope's Lone Wolf jacket.

Delivery: 1-2 weeks

p.s. if the jacket looks too big for our model, Michelle Montorsi, it's because she's wearing yours.

____________________

ARMOR ALWAYS

All Biker Dope jackets and riding shirts come with CE Approved armor for all the right places. We're eating the cost, but we prefer our customers alive and in one piece.  If you don't like it just don't install the armor until you need it.

DUMBASS ALERT

All Biker Dope jackets come with an emergency credit card knife. It is razor sharp. Don’t be a dumbass. Please exercise caution when opening and handling.

Better yet, watch this tutorial

Fun fact: This jacket was featured in the indy horror film series Untitled Anthology, pictured here on set worn by actress Phyllicia Saltzgaber (release, 2020).

Rock that badboy tonup biker look from days of yore

James Dean's got nothin' on you when you're rockin' this skin, modelled after jackets worn by cafe racers—legendary bad boys of biker lore.

Reinforcements, pockets and buckles where you need em. As with all Biker Dope jackets, an emergency credit card tool with cutting edge in a hidden chest pocket.

Quality buffalohide for spills, vintage styling for thrills. A quilted pattern on the back and accordion shoulders for mobility and olde skool styling. And armor in all the right places.

CUSTOM REQUESTS

All Biker Dope wear is highly customizable including:

• Inner lining image (we can print your 2MB+ flag, logo, picture etc.)
• Any color leather (default = black)
• Distressed? (default = not distressed)
• Lambskin? (default = buffalo skin)

Please enter your custom request on the Order Note during checkout or email us.

FOR A PERFECT FIT

Please enter your measurements on the Order Note during checkout or email us.

Delivery: 1-2 weeks

Model: The Cafe Racer is an EDW jacket (every day wear) for our Grand Poobah, Deme, who's modeling it here.

____________________

ARMOR ALWAYS

All Biker Dope jackets and riding shirts come with CE Approved armor for all the right places. We're eating the cost, but we prefer our customers alive and in one piece.  If you don't like it just don't install the armor until you need it.

DUMBASS ALERT

All Biker Dope jackets come with an emergency credit card tool with a small cutting edge. Don’t be a dumbass. Please exercise caution when opening and handling.

Better yet, watch this tutorial

An NFG outlaw jacket straight outta the 70's

From a time when the proud and free biker outlaw came into his own.

Race-ready 1.2mm thick buffalo hide for spills, vintage styling for thrills. A quilted old skool pattern on the shoulders, elbows and back. CE-Approved armor in all the right places.

Water resistant leather, perfectly distressed ... rock this bad boy and you'll be impressed.

All Biker Dope jackets come with armor and have a hidden pocket with an emergency credit card knife (it might save your life or cut a tomato).

OPTIONS + A PERFECT FIT

All Biker Dope wear is highly customizable. Please send us your measurements for a perfect fit (see chart below).

Fav color leather not shown as an option?  Request brown, grey, red, royal blue, white or yellow (or practically any other leather color available).

Please leave a note during checkout with your measurements and any custom requests like an alternative color. Or email us with the info and include your order number and name.

Delivery: 2 weeks

p.s. if the jacket looks too big for our model, Michelle Montorsi, it's because she's wearing yours.

____________________

ARMOR ALWAYS

All Biker Dope jackets and riding shirts come with CE Approved armor for all the right places. We're eating the cost, but we prefer our customers alive and in one piece.  If you don't like it just don't install the armor until you need it.

DUMBASS ALERT

All Biker Dope jackets come with an emergency credit card knife. It is razor sharp. Don’t be a dumbass. Please exercise caution when opening and handling.

Better yet, watch this tutorial

Ride with pride

Retro race styling and a banded collar for swagger.
Water resistant, thick buffalo hide for protection.
Rock your flag on your shoulders for honor (yeah, any flag).
Comes with CE Approved armor.

All Biker Dope jackets have a hidden pocket with an emergency credit card knife.

OPTIONS + A PERFECT FIT

All Biker Dope wear is highly customizable. Please send us your measurements for a perfect fit (see chart below).

Fav color leather not shown as an option?  Request brown, grey, red, royal blue, white or yellow (or practically any other leather color available).

Let us know what flag you wanna rock, otherwise we're sending you the Stars & Stripes.

Please leave a note during checkout with your measurements and any custom requests, like another flag or an alternative color. Or email us with the info and include your order number and name.

Delivery: 1-2 weeks

p.s. if the jacket looks too big for our model, Michelle Montorsi, it's because she's wearing yours.

____________________

ARMOR ALWAYS

All Biker Dope jackets and riding shirts come with CE Approved armor for all the right places. We're eating the cost, but we prefer our customers alive and in one piece.  If you don't like it just don't install the armor until you need it.

DUMBASS ALERT

All Biker Dope jackets come with an emergency credit card knife. It is razor sharp. Don’t be a dumbass. Please exercise caution when opening and handling.

Better yet, watch this tutorial

Keep the thrills, save the spills

This badass, handmade classic leather shirt by Biker Dope™ lets you ride light while protecting your tenderest organ from road rash, your skin (get your head outta the gutter).

Our favorite design feature is the hidden pocket that's deep enough to hold your ratchet and socket set, five bottles of Dogfish Head beer, or all the woes you'll be dumping on your ride.

It comes with armor, which you do not need to use.

The shirt is water resistant and you can close up with a zipper or use the snap buttons to keep things cool. Lift your collar up or snap it down so it doesn't bitch slap you on your ride.

Choose lambskin if you wanna rock it soft and light, or buffalo skin for more durable protection (pictured here).

All Biker Dope jackets have a hidden pocket with an emergency credit card knife.

OPTIONS + A PERFECT FIT

All Biker Dope wear is highly customizable. Make sure to leave an Order Note during checkout with your measurements and any custom requests (e.g. color). Or email us with this info, your order number and your name.

Fav color not shown as an option?  Request brown, grey, red, royal blue, white or yellow (or practically any other leather color available).

Delivery: 1-2 weeks

p.s. if the jacket looks too big for our model, Michelle Montorsi, it's because she's wearing yours.

____________________

ARMOR ALWAYS

All Biker Dope jackets and riding shirts come with CE Approved armor for all the right places. We're eating the cost, but we prefer our customers alive and in one piece.  If you don't like it just don't install the armor until you need it.

DUMBASS ALERT

All Biker Dope jackets come with an emergency credit card knife. It is razor sharp. Don’t be a dumbass. Please exercise caution when opening and handling.

Better yet, watch this tutorial

How you wanna go out?

Cryin' like a little baby? Or rockin' this bad as fuck genuine buffalo skin vest—with a plethora of buckles that show you mean business.

Look like you stepped out of a Terminator movie when you step onto your footpegs. With pockets (and did we mention buckles?) galore to stash your shit during your End of Days escapades. 

What are we doing when the end arrives? I don't know about you but, Armageddon outta here.

All Biker Dope jackets and vests have a hidden pocket with an emergency credit card knife.

CUSTOM REQUESTS

All Biker Dope wear is highly customizable including:

• Any color leather (default = black)
• Distressed? (default = not distressed)
• Lambskin? (default = buffalo skin)

Please enter your custom request on the Order Note during checkout or email us.

FOR A PERFECT FIT

Please enter your measurements on the Order Note during checkout (chest and waist) or email us.

Delivery: 1-2 weeks

These dog tags are out of this world...

Literally. Be the only kid on the block to rock this handcrafted piece of dopeness, an extraterrestrial object that's older than anything on Earth. Every one of these bad boys are unique and no two are alike. 

Meteorites have always had a strong symbolic connotation to the origins of the universe, and every known civilization in history has been fascinated by this heaven-sent metal. The earliest known reference describes a fallen meteorite on the island of Crete in 1478 BC. Fascinated by the metal, the Greeks used it to create a host of sacred objects.

In ancient Egypt, a meteoric iron dagger was found in the tomb of Tutankhamen, and an iron meteorite bead was found at a burial site from between 3350 and 3600 BC.

Some believe meteorites have healing properties and are commonly associated with balance and strength, and the nickel in meteorites is believed to purify the wearer’s blood.

When you walk into a room, enter in a blaze of glory ... you know, like a meteorite.

Ships directly to you from our U.S. warehouse

These guitar picks are out of this world...

Literally.

Some say it'll inspire you with boundless musical prowess, channeling Bragi, the Norse God of music and poetry.

And even if you still suck, you'll be the only kid on the block to rock this handcrafted piece of dopeness, an extraterrestrial object that's older than anything on Earth.

Every one of these bad boys are unique and no two are alike. 

Meteorites have always had a strong symbolic connotation to the origins of the universe, and every known civilization in history has been fascinated by this heaven-sent metal. The earliest known reference describes a fallen meteorite on the island of Crete in 1478 BC. Fascinated by the metal, the Greeks used it to create a host of sacred objects.

In ancient Egypt, a meteoric iron dagger was found in the tomb of Tutankhamen, and an iron meteorite bead was found at a burial site from between 3350 and 3600 BC.

Some believe meteorites have healing properties and are commonly associated with balance and strength, and the nickel in meteorites is believed to purify the wearer’s blood.

Blow out the windows when you're strummin' that power chord, ...you know, like a meteorite.

Get a Life for far less than a mephistophelean trade!

Don't sell your soul to the devil, or worse yet, to white collar America...

Buy a motorcycle instead!

You heard right. Buy a motorcycle, any motorcycle, even these cheap shit bikes on Amazon, and you're guaranteed to have a Life!*

One of adventure, boozin', bar brawls, strip clubs and 10 to 20-year stints at the Pen. Unless of course you're anyone in this video below. Then even motorcycles can't help you.

*Does not apply in Guam, Puerto Rico or Your Pants

You're guaranteed to have a blast

Have fun blowing shit up with this 3 megaton Soviet-era nuclear missile. 

With a 5,000-mile range, you can destroy a city, small country, or your in-laws' entire world from the comfort of your own home. Or just blackmail governments for cash, cheese or hard-to-find bike parts.

• Intercontinental ballistic delivery system included.
• Dishwasher safe, allergy-free, environmentally tested.
• Honeytrap experience at KGB Strippers included with every purchase.
• See the blast radius and casualty estimates with this neat simulator (just enter 3000 in the kiloton yield).

Semyorka means "quality" in Russian

In the chaos that ensued the breakup of the USSR, a few of these puppies fell out the back of a truck and into our lap. Good times.

They come with a 2-day warranty, but you can also purchase a 15-year service plan (you're welcome).

We stand behind the quality of all our products. If it doesn't detonate then return it with proof of purchase. We'll replace it with the same warhead or another one of equal megatonage.

In case you need us to spell it out, no Virginia we're not actually selling a nuclear missile. This is a joke.

If you're rich, stupid and/or generous enough to buy this then you're responsible for any transactional and other incidental costs associated with giving you your money back. 

The other option is that you let us donate some or all of these monies to two charities we support—Biker Down and Association of Recovering Motorcyclists

Brought to you by:

We all gotta duck when the shit hits the fan

A MYRIAD OF USES

- Fertilizer.

- Improve survivability during a pandemic by keeping people away.

- Explosives for militant animal rights protests.

- Sell on coprophilia kink sites for a handsome profit.

- Send chocolate-covered poo bites to your nemesis.

- Discourage police from searching your smelly car when you're transporting controlled substances.

- Confuse drug detection dogs—we recommend our specialty Bitch-In-Heat Poo (currently half off).

- Place in front of neighbor's door in paper bag, set fire, ring doorbell and run away—repeat until shot or disfigured by a Doberman.

- Hide poo in a snowball or mudpie and throw it at someone much larger than you.

- Gift wrap it, label it Winnie The Poo's Poo, and give it to a deserving child.

- Throw it at your nemeses.

- Throw it at a biker (R.I.P.).

- Throw it at your mama naked.

- Throw it at a chimp (who threw poo at your granmama first).

- Create an Amazon listing for a glitter bomb—then send it with exploding poo instead of glitter.

For a chance to win a Big Bag 'O Poo
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100% ETHICALLY & ORGANICALLY SOURCED

We harvest our poo straight from the source—our two prodigious poop-makin' producers Daizy and Bandit.

"This Bag 'O Poo is 100% organic and made of the best money can buy. You get it straight from the source: our dogs' anuses.

We guarantee this product is 100% full of shit. If you find better shit elsewhere, then tough shit on us"

- Deme Spy, CEO