3 Megaton R7 Semyorka Nuclear MissileRegular price $3,298,735.11 Save $-3,298,735.11
You're guaranteed to have a blast
Have fun blowing shit up with this 3 megaton Soviet-era nuclear missile.
With a 5,000-mile range, you can destroy a city, small country, or your in-laws' entire world from the comfort of your own home. Or just blackmail governments for cash, cheese or hard-to-find bike parts.
• Intercontinental ballistic delivery system included.
• Dishwasher safe, allergy-free, environmentally tested.
• Honeytrap experience at KGB Strippers included with every purchase.
• See the blast radius and casualty estimates with this neat simulator (just enter 3000 in the kiloton yield).
Semyorka means "quality" in Russian
In the chaos that ensued the breakup of the USSR, a few of these puppies fell out the back of a truck and into our lap. Good times.
They come with a 2-day warranty, but you can also purchase a 15-year service plan (you're welcome).
We stand behind the quality of all our products. If it doesn't detonate then return it with proof of purchase. We'll replace it with the same warhead or another one of equal megatonage*.
*Supplies are limited--we reserve the right to replace your missile with a bag of sweet, juicy dog poo (Target bag included).
We'll spell it out for ya...no Virginia we're not actually selling a nuclear missile and this is a fucking joke.
If you're a dumbass, rich and/or generous enough to buy this then you're responsible for any transactional and other incidental costs associated with giving you your money back.
The other option is that you let us donate some or all of these monies to three charities we support:
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Big Bag 'O PooRegular price $111.11 Save $-111.11
A MYRIAD OF USES
- Improve survivability during a pandemic by keeping people away.
- Explosives for militant animal rights protests.
- Sell on coprophilia kink sites for a handsome profit.
- Send chocolate-covered poo bites to your nemesis.
- Discourage police from searching your smelly car when you're transporting controlled substances.
- Confuse drug detection dogs—we recommend our specialty Bitch-In-Heat Poo (currently half off).
- Place in front of neighbor's door in paper bag, set fire, ring doorbell and run away—repeat until shot or disfigured by a Doberman.
- Hide poo in a snowball or mudpie and throw it at someone much larger than you.
- Gift wrap it, label it Winnie The Poo's Poo, and give it to a deserving child.
- Throw it at your nemeses.
- Throw it at a biker (R.I.P.).
- Throw it at your mama naked.
- Throw it at a chimp (who threw poo at your granmama first).
- Create an Amazon listing for a glitter bomb—then send it with exploding poo instead of glitter.
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100% ORGANIC & ETHICALLY SOURCED
We harvest our poo from our two prodigious poop-makin' producers, Daizy and Bandit.
This Bag 'O Poo is 100% organic and made of the best dog poo money can buy. You get it straight from the source, our dogs' anuses.
We guarantee this product is 100% full of shit.
If you find better shit elsewhere, it's just gonna be tough shit...because our shit is softer!*"
- Deme Spy, CEO
*Does not apply when our dogs or preppies (see below) are not properly hydrated.
Supplies are limited. We reserve the right to replace our dog poo with this guy's 100%, ethically-sourced preppy poo--always harvested safely in Ivy-League schools and other elite institutional settings.